Howdy there new neighbor! I’m Li’l Disappointment. Leastways that’s the name they gave me when I moved in. You’ll get a new one too! I’m Coordinator of Resident Onboarding and Lifestyle Integration Specialist for Eidolon Acres. Fancy title, eh? And I have the honor of showing you around your new home here in the oneiric plane!
Here’s the welcoming party, right on time. Fellow Incarcerated like you, to use the vulgar parlance of our overlords up top. Down here we prefer the more genteel “Realignment Candidates.” Tad more polite, don’t you think?
Hold still while I snap your collar on. Nice and snug but not too tight I hope? Well, one gets used to it. Or that’s what you’ll tell yourself, lol. Now give your luggage to Blood Priestess Drusilla and her familiar, Dog Girl. When’ll you get it back? A sense of humor, I like that.
Down there’s Blind Meg, our Namespitter. I’ll lower you into her lap where three things will happen. First, she’s going to stick her tongue in your ear. When she does you are not to flinch, not an inch, not a smidge; if you do things’ll go sideways fast and believe you me nobody wants that. Just let the old gal have her taste. This can take a while so be patient. Second, she’ll whisper your new name. And yes, this is going to sting but ain’t nothing you can do about that. We all been through it. And third, she’ll open her trap door and down you go. All goes well, I’ll meet you there.
Phew! Glad she saw fit to let you in. Gets messy when she don’t. (Here’s a kerchief; got some blood on your ear.) Now approach Itchy Abner—damn, pardner, don’t look him in the eye!—and collect your papers before we go next door to pick out your Fletchling.
Don’t you look lovely today, Aunty-Mum! Got us another new one here. Would you be so kind as to coax one of your bibbies out of the pile for our new arrival? (Give Aunty-Mum a bow. Lower; keep going, get that nose to the floor. Ooh, there goes one–grab that bugger tight, both hands, and don’t let go! Keep squeezing; it’ll shrink down to the size of a pill bug then burrow its way into your belly button. Friend for life!
One more room before we head to the village proper. But once we do, that jibber jabber you call language shall be as dead to us. Dead I say, ha ha! For real though, from here on out you’re to speak and think in Gloam-Tongue. Til you learn it on your own you’ll need to wear a Dreamslur Helmut from the wall over there. Take your time—pick one that speaks to you.
We’ll take the south road into the village. I’d steer clear of the Clugs. Horny little bastards.
This here’s our main square. Where you’ll do your shopping, go to church, get your community service assignments. Wrong William’s Fish Bait Supply on the left there; Scabby Sadie’s Skin Grafts on the Right. Curtis Bone’s Habberdashery is closed on account he and his whole family came down (again! fourth time) with a fierce case of face worm.
The Swamp district. I know, I know, the smell. All our new guests get placed here, it ain’t personal. Sorry, I don’t mean to yank this leash so hard but I’m sure as hell not about to get caught out here after Second Moon drops so pick up the pace.
Home Sweet Home! For now anyways; this is where your foster family lives. I’ll introduce you.
Howdy McCallisters! Bleedin’ Ben, Empty Sandy, spawns 1 and 2, this here’s Eidolon Acres’ newest. (They ain’t much for talking. Fact is they’ll forget you’re even here. Be chompin on that slab throughout the night, then in the morning it grows back and they tuck in all over again. By the way, ain’t none of that food’s for you. You get hungry, you’ll have plenty down in the basement to slurp and suck on.)
Of course your bedroom’s underwater! Be quite some time before you get yourself a land bed. Got to earn them stripes, pardner! Now get a good night’s sleep; big day tomorrow, first day of school and all. An Emissary Doll will be here in the morning to walk you to Gramma Kissy-burn. She’s been looking forward to meeting you, I can tell you that. You ask me, ain’t so bad here in the deeps. View’s more interesting, and your lunch just
swims right in. So long as you catch it before it does you. Here come some nibbles now.
Nighty night pardner.