“I hit my fay-the on a caw-r,” I told the dentist.
“That’s funny,” he said, muffled by his blue velvet mask. “Most people would say the car hit their face.”
“The caw-r wath thstationary, and I fell on it when I pathssed out, thso—”
“Let me have a little looky. Open.”
The dentist poked around in my mouth. I could taste the rubber of his gloves. But also, a hint of cinnamon. I slid my tongue to taste the glove more, and he laughed.
“That’s right. Flavored gloves! Fun, right? How do you feel now?”
The cinnamon was a nice surprise, but also I could taste my own blood, and my gums had all these stringy bits where my teeth used to live. I made sad sounds.
“Penny, I’m going to give you a drug now that will make all your pain go away. You’re gonna close your eyes, and see multiple rainbows, numerous puppies playing under manifold rainbows, and then several calico kittens are gonna show up. How does that sound?” I nodded happily. I liked drugs and puppies a lot. He put a mask over my nose and mouth, and turned on the gas.
I’d read about this dentist online. He was supposed to a miracle worker, with this great sense of humor. His website had these unbelievable testimonials, where the dentist helped a woman who’d lost her teeth in a fire; he gave her new fire-proof teeth! And there was the boy who was born without teeth, and the dentist gave him glow in the dark vampire teeth!
I really needed a miracle. I’d lost all my teeth after I drank a whole bottle of tequila by myself, collapsed in a Taco Bell parking lot and oops, hit a parked car with my drunk face on the way down. All because my date, Henry, took off with my friend, Mindy mid-date! My face was a giant hole that couldn’t chew any beef nachos anymore, or even chug vodka properly. I tried. It all kept spilling out. I couldn’t even talk to single guys without spitting streams of gob into their faces. I had become this lolling tongue with crying eyes. I didn’t bother going out anymore. I threw out my cellphone. I hated myself for passing out drunk with my face on that car, and for the way I looked now. Mindy suggested I could grow a beard. I fucking hate Mindy.
“I’m gonna make you better than ever, Penny. Better than everyone. You’re gonna have fun again. You’re gonna have ALL the fun,” said the dentist, as if reading my mind.
I smiled and drooled.
“You’re going to fall asleep, while I do the magic.” And you know what? I did. I slept hard. I hadn’t been sleeping well since my life-destroying accident. It was all nightmares of shattering my teeth over and over. Smashing my face on a roller coaster, or taking a bite of stale bread, and out fell all my teeth, clattering to the floor. And I’d try and pick them up and put them back in but the teeth would skitter away, and Mindy would be there, laughing at me. Then I’d jolt awake and feel with my tongue that it had really happened to me. I had lost all my teeth. I was living my nightmare.
But whatever drug that God-sent dentist gave me, all my fears slipped away. The symphony of saws, drills, and tooth sanding tools that he used became the music of a carnival. I was transported to a summer fair. There were fourteen rainbows and twenty-seven puppies. I ate cotton candy and candy apples with a full set of strong teeth. I was even biting clowns on their butts playfully in my dream, and they’d laugh, honk their horns at me. Then I got on the roller coaster with all these handsome, single men. It made me nervous at first, but then a bunch of calico kittens piled into my car putting me right at ease. I looked at all the men and kittens and everyone had fantastic teeth, and so did I! We went up, up the first hill, and then dowwwwn, screaming and laughing with perfect teeth. Then into a dark tunnel, wheeeee! Then upppppp! And dowwwwn again. Then the ride stopped. I looked for the calico kittens and they were gone. Had they fallen out of the roller coaster?
I woke up alone in the dentist chair. It was all dark and quiet in the room. I managed to turn the light on above my head. Then I saw there was blood everywhere. Blood soaked my shirt and the floor. I felt my face. It was still a little numb from the drugs. I grabbed the little mirror on the stick to see what he’d done to my mouth.
He’d replaced all my teeth with funny teeth. Some were big like horse’s teeth. Some were sharp like a cat’s. There were three lines of baby teeth, and a parrot’s beak in the middle.
I stared at my teeth in the little mirror. Man, were they funny. I know I should have been angry, horrified even. But I kept smiling at my funny teeth, and never stopped. I showed myself out of the office, and marched right into my new life. People were scared of me at first, but I would get the ball rolling, laughing with my fun teeth. Eventually they’d have to join in the fun. People wanted their pictures taken with me. Rumors spread that I even had magical powers. It wasn’t long before I found a funny teeth fetishist. His teeth were funny too. He had that tooth grinding disease, so they were all little baby stubs of teeth. They were so cute. We had the best time together. Mindy was so pissed.
You can read all about me on the dentist’s website in the testimonials section. Mine’s right under the one from the woman who got her dead mother’s teeth implanted alongside her own, so they could always eat together, like they used to love to do in life. I’m gonna get that done next but with beaver teeth. There’s so much room for more fun in life.