The Fool

As the old saying goes, Fools Rush in Where Angels Bake Their Bread.  They can’t help themselves. It’s the smell.  Also, they’re fools.

Traditional interpretations of this card usually involve concepts like “the beginning of a journey” or “man in harmony with nature” or, inexplicably, “that bartender who always short-changes you” but these are all nonsense and none of them apply to the Spectral Suburbs deck.

Here we have a female fool. She is hot-footing it over the Alps with the broiling sun at her back and her enormous Dalmatian in tow. Is she in harmony with nature? Is she beginning a journey? Has she just been thrown out of a bar? No, no, and also, no.  She is on her way to the mall. At the mall, she is likely to pay retail for the many doggo treats she is likely to buy.  Then it’s off to the bakery. Again.

Capsule meaning: You will overpay for many things. Your Dalmatian’s name is Cookie.

The Magician

This is the card of convenience foods, and don’t let anybody try to tell you otherwise. 

Up top we have a fine example of boxed macaroni and cheese, reminding you that trying to force pasta dough through a Play-Doh Fun Factory is rarely a good idea. The magician himself is preparing a salad of raw spinach and walnuts, signifying the importance of roughage in one’s diet while dismissing the unreasonable (yet somehow universal) fear of tree nuts.

Floating above the head of the magician, or magic chef as he is called in the Spectral Suburbs deck, we see an infinity sign floating. This is what we call the “psychic toque,” but you may call it whatever you like. He seems to be standing out in a field of mown grass and azaleas. Or is it just a pretty backdrop? A comforting illusion?  No, it’s definitely a field of mown grass and azaleas.

Capsule meaning:  You should consider hiring a full-time food taster.  Your UberEats account will soon be in arrears.

The High Priestess

The question here, of course, is just how high is the priestess, anyway?

And the other question is what the hell do B and J stand for?  (Get your mind out of the gutter! Srsly. We’ll wait.)  We do know for certain that there is a fine old brand of whiskey called J & B, and that might give us a partial answer to the first question.

More pedestrian interpretations of this card suggest “god the woman” or “the divine mother” or “the spiritual bride” but those are dull, small-minded concepts. What we’re really looking at is the lady of the lawn.  She is the bringer of sun-catchers, water features, and giant concrete toadstools.  Perhaps more importantly, she is also the buyer of sun-catchers, water features, and giant concrete toadstools, which indicates quite clearly that she is very high indeed.

Capsule meaning:  Get up and sit outside for an hour or two.  You’re out of Doritos.

The Empress

Does the mirror have two faces?  Oh, it sure does. Except when it has three, at which point you might want to consider a short medically-induced coma.

Here is another female figure representing a “divine mother.”  Is she a loving mother? Yes! No! Possibly! A lot depends on the time of day. This is the mother of the Rolling Stones’ song “Mother’s Little Helper,” and she’d like to discuss your myriad failures in some considerable detail because she loves you so much.

In less accurate interpretations you’re likely to come across words like “fruitfulness,”  “marriage,” “fecundity,” and, weirdly, “nymphomania,” but don’t be fooled.  She is the patroness of  Xanax ,Valium, and on a good day, Dexedrine.  All controlled substances are her domain and thus her free time is somewhat limited. Be advised not to try her patience and please make sure all your prescriptions are up to date.

Capsule meaning: She knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.

The Emperor

Looks like Daddy’s home!  And he’s not even drunk! Sure, he looks a little pissed off, but he’s just tired, having spent the day being tough yet kind, firm yet kind, and immovable yet kind; in fact, all kinds of kind.  Sure, he’s super paternalistic, but on Friday’s he always brings home ice cream (of some kind)!

Yeah, he’s clearly an authority figure and a card-carrying member of the patriarchy, so let’s just deal with it, okay?  He’ll lend you the car (if you refill the tank), he’ll throw you a couple of extra bucks for pocket money, and he’ll force one of his boardroom buddies to give you a summer job, so he’s not a complete tool.

Some interpretations of this card have focused on qualities like stability, leadership, and maturity, but why not just stop pussy-footing around and get to the point: He’s a square.  He’s a Lawrence Welk watching, golf playing, lawn mowing, cornball square. You know him, I know him, so let’s just let him nap in his La-Z-Boy until dinnertime.

Capsule meaning: Close the door! Are we air conditioning the whole neighborhood? You could use a nap.

The Hierophant

It’s Jackie.  Jackie Kennedy Onassis.  I’m not kidding; it’s so obvious.

Capsule meaning: I think you heard me.

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