The Lovers

One of the more snack oriented cards, this one could (and probably should) be retitled The Hors D’oeuvres Lovers, because honestly, who doesn’t love hors d’oeuvres? Half a pineapple with bacon-wrapped chestnuts and maraschino cherries tooth-picked into it; interestingly shaped crackers with colorful, but unrecognizable bits of goo placed artfully on top; shrimp cocktails; who can ask for anything more?

Unendurable dullards may insist that this card is about marriage, mature relationships, and other daytime television fodder, but of course, they are wrong. Dead center we see the Angel of the Koffee Klatch, bearing life-affirming caffeine and ready to make her landing right on the embracing couple’s patio. In the meantime, we notice two key things about the lovers beneath the angel: 1. The man bears a striking resemblance to Desi Arnaz and 2. Girlfriend is clearly hungry and planning her attack on the savory bounty just out of our sight. She’s also about 5 seconds away from shoving Desi out of the way so she can get to those crab puffs.

Capsule meaning:  Everything tastes better when served in a bowl shaped like a fish. Don’t fill up on bread.

The Chariot

Traditional interpretations of this card go on and on about triumph: triumph over adversity, triumph over darkness, triumph of love, triumph of will, but this is overthinking the situation. If there’s any triumphing going on here it’s a triumph over crabgrass. The star-crowned housewife is on a riding mower! What else could it possibly mean? Triumph over her husband? Her kids? Well…maybe.

The odd placement of the sphinx suggests both regrettable lawn ornaments and miniature golf. The moon shining brightly in the middle of the afternoon represents the presence of lightweight antianxiety drugs. All in all, a rather pleasant idyll.

Capsule meaning:  Consider high-rise condo living.  Terrariums are in your future.


Looks like Mom is getting young James ready for his first trek into the Himalayas.  Mother sends all the kiddos up into the Himalayas on their fifth birthdays.  It’s a tradition. Well, it is now, anyway.  It toughens them up and prepares them for a future in advertising or coal mining or both.

So always remember to eat your vegetables, wash your hands, and be nice to your Sherpa , because Mommy is bigger and faster, and she will always beat you.

Capsule meaning:  You will land a coveted acting role and ruin your career. Many cats are in your future.

The Hermit

The card of dry cleaners and exotic dancers, the Hermit is, arguably, the girliest card in the tarot. Look at her, all alone with her fluffy pink towel and good lighting. Theoretically, this is supposed to be a card of “turning inward,” contemplation, and other antisocial acts often mistaken for things deeply metaphysical. I ask you, does this look like a girl with a steady meditation habit? No. No, it does not. Plus, she eats meat and she enjoys it.

But her expression does seem to suggest that she is either searching for something or has mastered the art of sleeping upright.  At this point we should note the large waterfall directly behind her because it is the key to everything: She is looking for the “Off” switch.

Capsule meaning: Do not underestimate the importance of naps. Crown roasts could play a surprising role in your future happiness.

The Wheel of Fortune

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel. Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel. Or, alternately: What goes up, must come down. Spinning wheel got to go ‘round. And, of course; this wheel’s on fire, rolling down the road, best notify my next of kin, this wheel shall explode!

Obviously, no further explanation is required.

Capsule meaning: Do not eat lunch before going on the rides. Someone near to you has started listening to an “Oldies” radio station.

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